Loss...

It happens all the time.

15-25% of pregnancies end in miscarriage.

Everyone knows someone who it has affected.

It happened to me.

Over the weekend.

Its Wednesday and it feels like forever ago.
I was working on my daughter's 5th birthday party Friday afternoon. I had to go to the ER and have my husband drop me off so he could stay with the girls. I sat in the hospital room for almost an hour waiting for the doctor. Thats a long time to just sit there and think of every possible thing that you did wrong and why its your fault that this is happening. The ultrasound technician came and wheeled me to the machine. She was solemnly quiet the whole time. She could not find the little heartbeat. The doctor said that there was a 60% chance that I had stopped progressing at 5 weeks and that I was going to miscarry, (I was 9 weeks along) or 40% chance that my dates were off and I was only 5 weeks along and it was to early to detect a heartbeat. He was trying to be optimistic, but I knew deep down. On my daughters birthday I had to let go. I had to say good-bye to that tiny little hope that had grown more and more powerful everyday that went by.
My husband tried to understand, be supportive. I told him I knew it was going to be ok and that everything happens for a reason, but I still needed to cry and feel a deep sense of loss and heartbreak.

I know I have two beautiful daughters that love me and bring such joy to my life and that I am so BLESSED to have them.
I know that we will try again and that there could be another blessing for us.
I know that there have been countless other women and mothers who have gone thru this same ordeal.
I know all this.... but I still feel a loss... I still cry... I still WANT what I lost.